Series: Flowers in the Desert
Psalm 139:7-8 ESV
*Psalm 139:9-10 ESV
Psalm 139:11-12 ESV
Psalm 139 cuts to the heart of the matter of God and the children of God. These verses in Psalm 139 have very special meaning in many ways.
In 2009 my good good friend and prayer partner and I decided to go to a conference in Texas. I was living in Iowa at the time and she was living in Missouri.
We were both giddy with excitement when we planned our trip.
Several speakers were lined up that we had studied and followed for several years. As a matter of fact, when I first met the woman who would be my prayer partner for decades we realized we had been drawn to read and study the same authors long before we met.
The conference was a great experience, great subject matter and speakers we looked forward to hearing.
As I recall there were around 3,000 people who attended the conference.
Everything was wonderful until the final sessions of the conference.
We gathered in the large auditorium and we were told to sit quietly so we could pray and listen. We were also told that many many people had been praying for this particular session. I was sitting next to my dear friend praying and listening.
Then suddenly as I prayed, I was transported to another place.
I was no longer in the auditorium.
I had experienced many many dreams and visions before, but this was different.
My body was sitting in the auditorium but I was taken into the heart of God.
I had never experienced anything like it (nor have I experienced anything like it since that day.)
As I sat in the heart of God, God said to me, “I am SO sorry” and God wept.
A second time God said, “I’m so sorry for what happened to you” and I started crying with God.
A third time God said, “I’m so sorry!” I knew God was referring to a very difficult time in my life in 2004-2005.
By then, I was crying uncontrollably. My dear friend put her arms around me and was holding me. She knew something had happened but she didn’t know what happened.
Then in an instant I was back in the auditorium, but I hurt so badly I could hardly breathe.
She kept saying, “Are you okay?” And I answered, “no…”
Once we were back in our hotel room I was able to try to describe what happened to me.
I sat in the heart of God.
I felt the terrible pain and sorrow God feels for me (and for all of us) when I am hurt. If my pain was a 10 you can multiply that by a gazillion. I learned that day that’s what God feels for us when we hurt.
The Psalmist wrote in Psalm 139:7-8, “Where shall I go from your Spirit?Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!”
Right after it happened (whatever “it” was) I knew God was THE God. THE God of heaven and earth. To this day many decades later, I remember how I felt.
I was overwhelmed by the level of feeling God possesses. Right after, I started weeping because of the emotion I felt from God. I’d never thought about how much deeper and broader God’s capacity is to feel emotion.
I’d never thought about the comprehensive completeness of what God is capable of doing (taking me into His heart) so I could know how He was filled with sorrow because of what I experienced five years earlier.
I’d never experienced how utterly personal God is and how much He loves me. I’d been told that, but until that day, I’d never felt it.
Then I knew God was, is, and will be holding onto me.
Psalm 139:9-10 says, “If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”
After that day I knew wherever I go, God will hold onto me.
Well…that happened sometime in the late afternoon and I continued to feel the fullness of God’s sorrow and love for me well into the night.
I continued to sob.
I fell asleep sobbing.
My friend kept asking me if I was okay and I told her I wasn’t okay. Feeling what God feels was awful. Feeling God’s sorrow for what I went through five years prior was too much.
Psalm 139:11-12 tells us, “If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.”
When I fell asleep sobbing I wondered if I’d ever feel okay again.
Then, as I slept I had a dream and a little blonde headed boy came to me and he touched my forehead and he took something away.
When I woke up I no longer felt what God feels. The terrible pain was gone. But to this day, fifteen years later I still remember…
I remember the fullness of God’s love for us.
Spiritual Practice: Sit with God
Ask God to tell you or show you how much He loves you.
In God, Deborah
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